In case you needed further proof that not every single thing needs a reboot, look no further than Fantasy Island, the latest horror-thriller offering from Blumhouse Productions. A reboot of the television series of the same name, Fantasy Island follows five visitors to the titular island, eager to take part in its mystical fantasy wish-granting powers.
Gwen (Maggie Q) wishes to have the opportunity to undo her biggest regret in life. Patrick (Austin Stowell) wants the chance to “play solider,” to honor his late father who died a war hero. Step-brothers J.D. (Ryan Hansen) and Brax (Jimmy O. Yang) want a weekend where they can “have it all.” And Melanie (Lucy Hale) arrives at the island eager for the chance to live out a revenge fantasy on a childhood bully.
Waiting to welcome the group is the island’s staff, led by Mr. Roarke (Michael Peña). Before sending them off onto their fantasies, he warns them of the island’s two rules. First, each guest receives one fantasy and one fantasy only. Second, each fantasy must be seen through to its natural conclusion (in case you don’t catch its importance at first, don’t worry; this one is hammered home throughout the film).
But the guests soon realize they may be in for more than they bargained for, as their fantasies quickly take turns for the worse, putting all of their lives at risk. They have to work together to solve the mystery behind the island’s powers, or they may not make it off the island alive.
Disaster, Part 1: Script
Disaster is really the only way to put it. Fantasy Island misses by a mile on so many fronts, it’s almost impressive. The premise is intriguing, and that’s about where the goodwill ends.
It starts with the script, and the larger story as a whole. Fantasy Island clocks in with a runtime of 1:50 (though trust me, it feels much, much longer), but still wants the audience to care about each of these five characters. And then it throws in even more characters for us to keep track of. There’s simply not enough time. You end up not caring about any single person in this movie. At best, you don’t care what happens to them one way or another. At worst, you’re actively rooting for their demise.
Along with the underdeveloped characters, there’s a larger issue at play with the narrative as a whole. Every character, with the exception of J.D. and Brax who are sharing a fantasy, are separated for large portions of the movie. Each of their stories has to be fleshed out and developed independently of the others. Like the characters, Fantasy Island gives you no real chance to get invested in any one of these “fantasies.”
Disaster, Part 2: The Cast
This might be the most disappointing part of the movie. The cast – on paper, at least – is strong. If you only saw the cast listings and the basic plot, you would probably think Fantasy Island would be, at worst, average. But you would be wrong, so very wrong. But it’s not fair to put the blame entirely on the cast. The story doesn’t give any of them the opportunity to do any real acting.
Peña escapes with the fewest scars, though that’s mostly a function of him barely having anything to do other than repeat the rules of the island to his guests. Stowell is easily the worst of the bunch. Everyone else, to their credit, does the best with what they have. But what they have is tropey, cliched trash.
Disaster, Part 3: The “Scares” and “Thrills”
Coming from Blumhouse, this was surprising. Fantasy Island is supposed to be a horror-reimagining of the TV show. But none of the scary parts worked. At all. Every jump scare was telegraphed. The gore and violence never matches the tone the movie was aiming for. That last part is in doubt due to its PG-13 rating. There’s nothing that could have completely saved this movie, but going in for a hard R rating would have at least helped. Instead, it barely manages to limp through the most intense and would be terrifying scenes.
Disaster, Part 4: (Maybe) Everything Else
There is so much wrong with Fantasy Island, it would be a waste of everyone’s time to go through each point individually. So we’ll finish with a few brief bullet points of some of the film’s other missteps.
- The twist
- Horribly executed and completely unearned
- Michael Rooker
- The knife-wielding, off-the-grid, maybe savior who shows up for some exposition
- What kind of agent lets someone like him say yes to a role like this?
- The eventual coalescence of the the various storylines is shockingly sloppy, even with what preceded it
- Sequels?
- The ending hints at the possibility
- And with (as of now) a $21.6 million gross against a $7 million budget, they might be coming, universal panning be damned
Skip it
In case you couldn’t tell from everything else written here, one more reminder to avoid Fantasy Island.
The Verdict: 1.9/10
Fantasy Island is now playing in theaters everywhere.